We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
