it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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