got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
