which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
