Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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