we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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