dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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