Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
