Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
