Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
