i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
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