i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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