Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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