I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
