I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
