chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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