Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
