I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Is Oprah even human
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
