I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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