just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
love makes seman taste better
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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