me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
