her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
