WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Im part way to drunk.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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