he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
