i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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