We named our party play list daddy issues
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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