i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
How's work?
Spinning.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Randomize
