Too much gin, very little bucket
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
