Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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