Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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