i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
