break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
do herpes really smell.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
