i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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