Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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