If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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