she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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