i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
