the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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