he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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