Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
