I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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