I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
