I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
