i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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