I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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