Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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