this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
