I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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