They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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