my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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