Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
