I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
