I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize