god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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