I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
