im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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