Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
