When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
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Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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