did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
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