I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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