youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
