Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
